


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,164

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [48]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: The weekly satirical saga continues, as Ben self-medicates and tries to save Wookiees from a Sith.
www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com





	

TATOOINE - Day 1,164:

There's something life affirming about almost getting beaten to death. When you've given it your all, but your all doesn't amount to shit, that's when you have to surrender to fate. A near death experience makes you reflect on your life and your accomplishments, and what you still need to accomplish. 

Chewie had kicked my ass, kicked my ass but good. He beat me like a red headed Ewok, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I was dead. Or rather, I should have died if it weren't for Han Solo saving me. I should have died dozens of times in the past, but was always lucky enough to escape it. Maybe it was the Force telling me it wasn't done with me yet, or maybe it was just a bunch of stuff that happened. 

Anyway, Chewie got the sandcrawler running, and we were slowly making our way to the Mos Eisley spaceport. The mission was to liberate the Wookiees that Kilgore had captured and planned on selling to the Empire. 

I was in no shape to face Kilgore. Chewie had served me up a concussion, broken ribs, and a sprained neck. Right now I'd have a hard enough time taking down a Jawa, let alone a Sith. I needed to visit the medical shop in Mos Eisley called "Bacta Yourself," but there just wasn't enough time. 

Chewie had been eyeballing me pretty hard when he finally spoke up, "What's the haps, man?"

"In all my years fighting in the Clone Wars and battling Sith, I never received such a vicious beating as the one you gave me."

Chewie threw his big hairy arms around me and began weeping. "I'm so sorry, dude. I wish I could take it back. I'll kill that Kilgore douche when I see him!"

"No, I'm not blaming you," I patted Chewie's back. Even having his arms resting on my shoulders was causing me too much pain. "What I'm trying to tell you is that I don't know what kind of support I can offer since I'm physically such a wreck."

"Tell me what I can do." Chewie now had his gigantic paws on my shoulders, and it made me feel lightheaded. 

"First off, and I'm sorry for saying this, but please stop touching me."

"Oh crap," Chewie withdrew his hands. "Sorry again, man."

"It's okay. But unless you can stop time and get me about three days in a bacta tank, I'm not going to be much help. People might actually die because of me."

"Bullshit!" Han Solo came down from keeping watch on the roof of the sandcrawler. "You're indestructible!"

"I wish that were the case, young one."

Chewie leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "I might have something that could help you, man." Then he patted his space messenger bag. 

"Oh no!" I leaned back. "No way!"

"What is it, gramps?" Han was too curious for his own good. 

Chewie chuckled slightly. 

Ignoring Han, I focused on Chewie. "Last time I took your Bockta flowers I had a vision!"

"A vision that came true, man. About Mace Windu's return."

"What are Bockta flowers?!" Han was growing extremely impatient. 

"No Chewie!" I continued to ignore Han. "The last thing I need is to be having visions and tripping balls when I'm facing a Sith!"

"Somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?" Han pleaded. 

Turning to the young man, I informed him, "Chewie wants me to take a hallucinogenic drug to help me deal with my pain."

"No man," Chewie became defensive, "it's a spiritual herbal remedy of my people."

I translated this for Han. 

"And besides," Chewie continued, "in very small dosages it can greatly reduce pain and discomfort, man."

Once again I translated for Han. 

"Just take some," Han said. "You're obviously no good to us in your current state."

Ignoring them both, I went to meditate on my options. However, seeing that I was incapable of even getting into my meditative position, I felt like I had no other choice. 

I came back to find Han and Chewie trying to work out their language barrier. "Ok," I announced, "I'll take the bare minimum dose required to help with pain."

"Righteous choice, dude!" Chewie said, wasting no time pulling some petals from his bag. 

As I placed them on my tongue, I reassured them, as well as myself, "If this can take some of the edge off, the Force can do the rest."

We ditched the sandcrawler right outside of Mos Eisley, and quickly headed on foot to the spaceport. The city was crawling with Stormtroopers, even more than last time. 

Han took notice as well, "Looks like the Empire is showing some major interest in this place."

"But why, man?" Chewie asked. 

No one knew. 

As we walked I was aware that the Bockta flowers were starting to kick in. The pain seemed to slip away and I was beginning to regain my confidence. When we reached the docking bays, I asked my friends to hang back for a minute. Then I confidently approached two Stormtroopers patrolling the area. 

"Excuse me, gentlemen?"

"Yes, citizen? Can we see your identification?" 

"No," I answered. 

"What?!" The troopers looked at each other and raised their weapons. 

Waving my hand, I instructed, "You won't be needing your blasters."

In unison they repeated, "We won't be needing our blasters."

Their helmets looked so bright and shiny, almost glittery even. I had to fight the urge to rub my hands all over them. Understanding that it was the drugs making me feel this way, I needed to stay on target. "You will tell me which docking bay is transporting the Wookiees."

Only one knew the answer, so the other remained silent. "The Wookiees are at docking bay 94."

I thanked them, then couldn't resist adding, "You will go and have a drink at the Cantina, there you will reconsider your employment options. Maybe look into moisture farming."

They of course repeated this, and I returned to my friends to give them the update. 

"You're smiling ear to ear, gramps," Han, the little buzzkill, informed me. 

"That's because I'm feeling confident with our mission," I lied. 

As we entered the foyer to docking bay 94, I immediately noticed chained Wookiees being led into a transport ship by Kilgore's bounty hunters. 

"Kenobi! You sneaky mothafucka!" 

I heard Kilgore's voice and then saw him standing on top of the transport, overseeing the operation. 

"I guess I would have been slightly disappointed if they had actually killed your ass!" Kilgore let out an awful electronic cackle. 

I turned to Chewie and Han, "Can you guys handle the bounty hunters?"

Looking around, all the hunters that were visible were Greedo, Dengar and Bossk. 

"Dude!" They agreed in unison. 

"Kilgore?!" I shouted. "Let's dance!"

With that I leapt into the air with my saber humming above me.


End file.
